Toilet Philosophy...

Toilet Philosophy...

by Adam Littlefield on Saturday, March 5, 2011 at 2:17pm

Writing from the road to come, but a friend inadvertently reminded me of this entry from '07, and I thought I'd share it right quick... The perishable talk fits with other stuff I've been talking about lately, and farting whilst peeing is good, healthy spackle... Happy trails, people...

June 26, 2007

     Ugh...Man, I haven't felt like writing a fucking thing lately. Blogs and lyrics and rambly emails are just piling up in my brain. The perishables are growing moldy, and some rather smell; and the non-perishables are collecting dust. Stink though they may, the perishables linger, and my brain seems to be hoarding them for some stinky-rotten rant fight instead of chucking them into the bin or sending them out into the world. I wish I was the type who just wrote; wherever, whenever, whatever, but I'm just not. Especially when I find myself in a funkier-than-normal funk, which I do of late. There are several reasons for this funk. Often my reasons will latch onto eachother and form this big ball of yuck. The yuck varies in degree, and lately the yuck levels are high. I could blather on with specifics, but that's boring and goddamned depressing. And my intent is to come round to something uplifting or entertaining by the time I'm done typing.
            
      Having said that, by show of hands, who loves to fart while they pee? I do I do. I have an iron bladder, so when in bars it's not uncommon for me to be there several hours before 'breaking the seal'. Depending upon the company I'm keeping, I may or may not have been holding a fart for whole said duration. I suppose that, more often than not, I let 'em fly anyway. But the best by far is  when I've got one saved up for my seal-breaking. I stroll back to the loo. My buzz is starting to come on strong. I commence the stream and then 'HRRRRRRRNNTTTTTT' my ass horn sounds a baritone medley for all in attendance to hear. This blowing is most usually followed (the loudness of which coinciding with the level of intoxication, of course) by a Randy 'Macho Man' Savage-esque 'OHHHHH YEEEEEAAAAAH,' all in the midst of a raucous pee. It is a splendiferous biological multi-tasking, a beautiful release from the front and the rear. Other occupants may sneer, but what can I say, they just aren't in tune with the simple pleasures. Those who are, even if they don't rip one of their own, will at least respond in kind with an empathetic chuckle or a slightly subdued 'OH YEAH.'
   
      I'm certainly not the first  person to ponder this subject. Louie Anderson did a great bit in the eighties about idolizing his father as a youngster because he farted while he peed and consequently sang it's praises as one of life's simple pleasures as an adult. And I'm sure he wasn't the first. It's very base, ya know? Like several other root human pleasures. Just as we've been fucking and eating and scratching ourselves for thousands of years, we too have been farting while we pee. At any given moment, around the world, hundreds of thousands of people are experiencing the same beautiful functions. Don't it make you feel all warm n' fuzzy?

      I've often wondered if women take the same pleasure, I've even asked a few. I don't think I've recieved any definitive answers, perhaps because I only vaguely remember asking in a few late-night ramblings, but I do remeber pontificating my theories on the matter. I definitely believe that they take the same pleasure, though only in very private and/or comfortable environs. The main factor for their hesitancy, aside from being, ya know, ladylike, is the resounding accoustics of a fart inside a toilet bowl. Women must sit to pee, and thus must sit to fart while peeing. And although the Horn Resounding (I'll take obscure late 80s movie references for a thousand, Alex) bellow of a fart in a toilet bowl may be music to our ears, I believe the ladies find it quite distasteful. Oh well, I know you ladies love it when no one's listening.

     So yeah, I had a little rant planned on an idea I've been gnawing on lately about what I like to call 'friendshipical hierarchies', but I've watched three movies over the course of this rambling and it's nearing bedtime. It centers around my tedency to, as I get older, take people at face value; and all the pros and cons of that, but it seemed a bit blah considering the early tone of this entry. So I opted for farting when you pee. Either way, they were both non-perishable. They may collect dust, but they'll get out there eventually. The perishables are mostly personal interactions that will get out there or won't, and may or may not matter. I guess if you wait too long to serve up your thoughts or ideas and they go all moldy and funky on you, it's your own goddamned fault and it is what it be. It all comes out in the wash. Incidentally, I just watched Magnolia for the first time in awhile, what a cool flick. I feel better.......Take pleasure in the simple things people. Fart, pee, and be merry.....And so it goes, and so it goes...
~Boombalias